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NEWS CORP PRESENTS...
An exclusive insight into the likely content of a new 'Aussie Values' test for potential Australian citizens. Sample questions devised by the Federal Government:
1. Which colours are represented on the Australian flag?
a. Green and yellow
b. Red, black and yellow
c. Blue, red and white
d. Orange and purple
Comment: I like the way that this first question denies Australian Citizenship to undesirables such as Wallabies Supporters, and the colour-blind.
It also excludes philosophical wankers who might want to quibble about the meaning of the word "represent".
The colours actually represented by the Australian Flag are: "Mainly White, but with some grudging acceptance of Asiatics in recent years".
2. Indigenous people have lived in Australia for ...
a. At least 40,000 years
b. About 8000 years
c. About 800 years
d. Less that 400 years
Note how all Creationists will be deported by this question. It's pretty hard to tick the correct option when they believe the World is only 6,000 years old!
My answer is:
The average indigenous person in Australia lives for 57 years, whereas the average white person lives for 74 years.
3. Australia's national flower is the...
c. Kangaroo paw
This is a trick question. Actually, Australia's national dish is Kangaroo paw.
4. Which is a popular sport in Australia?
a. Ice hockey
b. Water polo
d. Table tennis
This question appears to have been inserted to get rid of anyone who doesn't like Cricket! Also note the careful avoidance of any discussion of the popularity or unpopularity of AFL / Rugby League / Rugby Union and "Football" (formerly "Soccer", but re-named by the Ethnics who play it).
Despite all the foregoing, the most popular sport in Australia is in fact 'Pokies'.
5. Australia's political system is a...
a. Parliamentary democracy
d. Socialist state
This question subtly gets rid of all those hopeless romantics who think Australia is a "Democracy". In fact, both political parties are dictated to by small shadowy cliques called "Focus Groups".
6. The Capital of Australia is...
Another trick question. The last time I checked, the capital of Australia was "Capital A".
7. Which animals are on the Australian Coat of Arms?
a. Wombat and echidna
b. Kangaroo and emu
c. Kangaroo and dingo
d. Lion and unicorn
The correct answer depends upon whether one actually has an Australian Coat of Arms attached to the bullbar of one's ute. And what part of the country one habitually drives in.
(Also whether some plonker wearing an English Rugby jersey is trying to cross the road at the time...)
8. Where did the first European settlers to Australia come from?
If we're talking about the "First Fleet" here, they actually came from Cape Town in South Africa.
(Hey, if you wanted to know what their nationalities were, you should have asked more carefully! Then I could have told you that most of the free settlers and soldiers were English, and many of the Convicts were Irish. Governor Arthur Philip's dad was German.)
Since the ancestors of both the Europeans and the Aborigines also walked out of the African Savannah about 100,000 years ago, the Examiners are prepared to accept any variation on "Southern Africa".
9. Who is Australia's head of state?
a. Prime Minister John Howard
b. Queen Elizabeth II
c. Governor General Michael Jeffery
d. Premier Steve Bracks
If you ever wish to be granted an irrigation licence in the State of Victoria, it's probably a good idea to put (d) for this one.
10. Who was the first Prime Minister of Australia?
a. Sir Edmund Barton
b. Sir Henry Parkes
c. John Curtin
d. Sir Robert Menzies
Another trick question. None of the answers is correct. Barton hadn't been knighted when he became PM in 1901, he was just plain "Edmund Barton". More interestingly, Barton was our "First Prime Minister Appointed Through a Backroom Deal". Sir William Lyne had been officially appointed PM by the Governor General, but this proved to be an unpopular move. (As have most Vice-Regal moves ever since.)
It's odd that this question doesn't ask the name of Barton's political party (the "Protectionist Party") or the first Act of the Australian Parliament (the "Immigration Restriction Act"). Obviously we shouldn't trouble potential Citizens with such details.
11. What song is Australia's national anthem?
a. God Save the Queen
b. Star Spangled Banner
c. Advance Australia Fair
d. Waltzing Matilda
Assuming that they're asking about our "National Song", the correct answer is (c). Advance Australia Fair was adopted by Referendum in 1977, with 43% of the National vote. (However, "Waltzing Matilda" had a clear win in the ACT, "Song of Australia" in SA.)
Embarrassingly, the words in the second stanza of Advance Australia Fair:
"For those who've come across the seas, we've boundless plains to share..."
...have been placed in a legal 'grey area' by the enactment of the Border Protection Act 2001. - To avoid any suspicion of offering incitement to people-smugglers, it is recommended that Citizens should always mumble indecipherably whenever forced to sing our National Song.
12. What do you call the elected head of a State government?
d. Prime Minister
(I'd much rather hear what the Prime Minister calls the State Premiers behind their backs...)
This question has been designed to eliminate anyone who doesn't pay attention to State politics... (Hmm, that's quite a large proportion of the population, including all those whose "swinging votes" currently decide which clueless party becomes our State government. Good riddance to them.)
13. Which federal political party or parties are in power?
a. Australian Labor Party
b. Australian Democrats and the Australian Greens
c. National Party
d. Liberal Party and National Party
If this question were made compulsory for every Citizen voting in the forthcoming elections, we could deport all those dropkicks unable to predict the result!
(Statistically, this would include most of the media moguls who run our national Opinion Polls.)
14. Which of the following are Australian VALUES?
a. Men and women are equal
b. `A fair go'
d. All of the above
Obviously all of the above (as long as none of them threaten to damage the Economy, or the Mining Sector).
15. Australia's values are based on...
a. The Teachings of the Koran
b. The Judaeo-Christian tradition
Since women are discriminated against in the Koran and the Bible; and a "fair go" includes not discriminating on the basis of religion; and "mateship" is essentially latent homosexuality, I guess the basis is "Secularism". (Unless the above "values" aren't our real values...)
16. What does Anzac Day commemorate?
a. The Gallipoli landing
b. Armistice Day
c. The Battle of the Somme
d. Victory in the Pacific
I thought Anzac Day commemorates the fact that True Australians Never Give Up! (Even if the British Navy have landed them on the wrong beach.)
...And if we do, in fact, eventually "give up", it will only be after struggling manfully with a hopeless situation for many months and awarding ourselves a chest-full of medals.
- I mean, there's certainly no shame in pissing off in the face of completely unexpected circumstances. (Who could have imagined that it actually snows in bloody Turkey!)
17. In what year did the first European settlers arrive?
This question does us the great service of excluding anyone with a poor short-term memory for numbers. (If this test had been operating when Alan Bond and Sir Peter Abeles got their Citizenship, then a lot of tears would have been avoided, let me tell you!)
Once again, it's odd that they don't give the historically-correct choice. The 300 Europeans from the Dutch ship Batavia who were shipwrecked on a West Australian island for three months in 1629 probably would have enjoyed being "settled", but instead descended into a living hell of greed, robbery, mutiny, rape and murder. (On second thoughts, it's much better that the Federal Government didn't include 1629 on the list. After all, who would want to associate greed and criminality with such a gentle and worthwhile concept as "settlement"?)
19. Australian soldiers fought in ...
a. World War I and World War II
b. Korean War
c. Vietnam War
d. All of the above
- I'm glad they didn't ask how many of these wars we actually won!
(I imagine the Turkish, North Korean and Vietnamese candidates for Australian Citizenship would be itching to answer that question!)
In fact, even the wars that we supposedly 'won' don't look too clear in retrospect. The Maori War ended with the Maoris getting the best native-title treaty in the history of the British Empire and the Boer War ended with the Boers still running South Africa...
And World War Two was such an outstanding success that now we Australians have to queue up at Heathrow and watch the Huns and Ities blitz straight through the Express Lane. As for the 'rewards' of our 1945 Victory: these days, if Aussies really save hard, we can possibly afford to buy a small German Mercedes, a Japanese Lexus or even a low-end Italian Ferrari...
20. What is Australia's biggest river system?
a. The Murray-Darling
b. The Murrumbidgee
c. The Yarra
d. The Mississippi
The biggest river catchment in square kilometres is actually the extensive system of tributaries flowing into Lake Eyre, in the centre of the country. Also several rivers in Northern Australia discharge far more water than the Murray. However, there's no question that for salinity and sedimentation, the Murray-Darling is still the system to beat.
Satirical responses by James Oglethorpe.
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